Andy

War and politics are two different things. That is why every now and then it is good to read something like this. Written by a soldier in the event of his death in Iraq, this will force you to count your blessings today.

Super Bowl of Print

In just one single issue, this magazine generates $40 million in advertising revenue, reaching 70 million "readers"



What is in this magazine, you ask? Sports and Sex. Duh.

When I grow up, I want to be Dwight Howard

Just Another Guy

For most guys, today is a day they dread, either in fear of disappointing or, well, disappointment. You are not going to understand why I post this on Valentine's Day until you get to the final punchline. The following is written by ESPN's Bill Simmons, hanging out at a previous NBA All-Star weekend:

Best Random Celebrity Moment Ever

So I'm leaving Jam Session on Saturday afternoon when Sully gives me the "Come to the Four Seasons, we're hanging out in the hotel bar drinking Bloody Marys" phone call. Well, I can't turn down that offer. Not ever. Within 10 minutes, I'm sitting right there with them. And we're hanging out and talking hoops, debating whether to stay for a second drink, when none other than Charles Oakley saunters into the bar with three lady friends, eventually settling at the table right next to us. As soon as Oakley orders a round of shots for his table, as well as a martini for himself, we decide to order a second round of drinks for ourselves. I mean, where else can you drink 5 feet away from the real-life Shaft?

Twenty minutes later? MJ shows up with two friends and stops the room cold. (That's right, two brushes with MJ in 36 hours.) At first, it seems like he's just saying hello, but then we realize he's sitting down. Eventually, they move him into the inside booth, then block him with chairs on both sides so nobody can bother him. (I like to call this the Chair Armada, since it's the exact same strategy that guys use in strip joints when they don't want to be continually approached by below-average strippers trying to pull the "Maybe if I sit right on his lap, he'll feel bad for me and get a lap dance" routine. The Chair Armada never fails.) When Oakley ordered more drinks, we ended up ordering food and drinks for our table. For all we knew, we were staying all afternoon.

(And we did: Our bar bill ended up being like $400. Back to the story.)

Things kept rolling along. People kept walking over to say hello to MJ, pay tribute to him, kiss his ring ... it's almost like he's the real-life Michael Corleone (with Oakley as his Luca Brasi). At one point, his longtime agent David Falk sat about 30 feet away, waiting for an invite, finally giving up and coming over to say hello. (Falk asked MJ, "How late did you stay out last night?" followed by MJ casually saying "7:30," as we nodded admiringly.) And the drinks kept coming and coming and, occasionally, Oakley would get up and saunter around just to stretch his legs and look cool as I made comments like, "I wish you could rent Oak for parties." At one point, he was thinking about ordering food, stood up, looked over at all of us eating, noticed Rich's cheeseburger, asked if it was a cheeseburger, asked if it was good, kept glancing at it, kept glancing at it ... and I swear, we were all waiting for Oak to say the words, "Oak wants your cheeseburger, and he wants it now." But he didn't. He ended up ordering one himself. Too bad.

Well, two hours pass. Everyone finishes eating. The cigars come out. And I'm sitting there saying, "There's no way that the cards aren't coming out soon. It's impossible. MJ has never sat this long in one place without the cards coming out."

While we were waiting for that moment, just to make a strange afternoon stranger, I walked over to Elgin Baylor's table and talked about the Clips with him for 10 minutes (we're getting along these days -- that's a whole other story). And when I returned, the cards emerged, just as I predicted -- they started playing a game called "Bid Wist," a form of spades that's popular among NBA players, with Oakley and MJ teaming up against two of their friends. We got to see MJ's legendary competitive streak in action. He was trash-talking nonstop, snickering sarcastically, cackling with every good card, badgering his opponents to the point that I actually thought one of them would start crying. This wasn't Corporate MJ, the one you and I know. This was Urban MJ, the one that comes out for the black Super Bowl. We never get to see this one.

And I'm sitting there dying. For one thing, I love cards and have a gambling problem. Also, what would be a greater story than Sully and me getting winners against Oak and MJ? Sure, there wasn't a chance in hell, but it was fun to imagine. Meanwhile, the day kept getting stranger and stranger. Around 6, Shaquille O'Neal showed up with his posse, wearing a four-piece suit that caused MJ to joke, "I'm glad you're living up to the responsibility of the dress code." A little bit later, Bucks assistant Lester Conner showed up wearing a red sweatshirt with a giant Jordan logo on it .... when do you run into someone when you're randomly wearing their clothes? And MJ kept getting louder and louder, and he and Oakley were cleaning up, and we're all watching them while pretending not to watch, and then suddenly ...

MJ's wife shows up.

Uh-oh.

Everyone makes room for her. She sneaks in and sits down right next to him. And poor MJ looks like somebody who took a no-hitter into the ninth, then gave up a triple off the left-field wall. The trash-talking stops. He slumps in his seat like a little kid. The cigar goes out. No more hangin' with the boys. Time to be a husband again. Watching the whole thing unfold, I lean over to Sully just to say, "Look at that, he's just like us."

And he was. Just your average guy getting derailed by his wife. For once in my life, I didn't want to be like Mike.

1950s

Wow, how times have changed...

The following is from a 1950's home economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life:

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

• Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

• During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

• Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

• Be happy to see him.

• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

• Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

• Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

• Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

• A good wife always knows her place.

The Leno Monologue

Those who thought the writers’ strike would bring down Leno misunderstood the power of his limitations:

One night, Bill Maher called Leno “virtually the only person I know … who could write an entire monologue by himself”—which sounded ridiculously overblown at the time, but on further reflection might actually be true.

By all accounts, Leno works on monologues obsessively—seven days a week, in the middle of the night, in comedy clubs, and on his days off. More than any other comic, he has devoted his life to that opening blitz of rapid-fire topical groaners. It’s his signature achievement. The Leno monologue is always impressively long and covers lots of ground. On a recent night, before he sat down at his desk, he told jokes about 24 different subjects, from botany to Britney to the production of Japanese electricity. Letterman covered only five.

Pundits who thought the strike would cripple Leno misunderstood something fundamental about his art: His act is already essentially crippled. Real stand-up comedy is famously time-intensive; it converts months of solid work into minutes of material, and its tiniest successes depend on superhumanly precise calibrations of tone, pace, and gesture—a discipline antithetical to the relentless, workaday schedule of a talk show. A monologue is, by definition, wounded comedy. We should assess late-night hosts, then, not by their rare bursts of excellence but by how they cope with mediocrity. Leno and Letterman both, at this point, deal mainly in terrible jokes. The question for viewers is what attitude—what existential garnish—do you want on top of them?

Volleyball

I found myself at a UC Irvine - USC college volleyball game on Friday night. For a sport very few of us have truly appreciate, I have to say it was quite entertaining.

UCI raised their national championship banner before the match, in a ceremony featuring the mayor and chacellor making speeches. In what I found to be a very classless act, Trojan head coach Bill Ferguson went over to the refs and said, "we want to play" motioning for them to rush the ceremony. While I understand that his players, were getting antsy standing around doing nothing after stetching and warming up for the past two hours, that is not something he should have done. Sure, the ceremony was of little interest to a visiting team. But coming from a school with such a rich tradition and appreciation of championship level sports, you would think the opposing team would show some respect for the home team's celebration of what they rightfully earned.

By the way, UC Irvine went on to sweep USC, 3-0.

Berkeley protesting Marines

Berkeley's liberal weiners are at it again, this time protesting against American Marines recruiting in their city. This brings up a very interesting philosophical debate within America:

• One side: "The Marine Corps is here to support and defend the Constitution of the United States, which does guarantee the freedom of speech...In terms of the situation in Berkeley, the City Council and the protesters are exercising their right to do so."

• In retaliation, a group of Republican lawmakers have introduced the Semper Fi Act of 2008 -- named after the Marine motto -- to rescind more than $2 million of funds for Berkeley and transfer it to the Marine Corps.
  "Like most Americans, I really get disturbed when taxpayer money goes to institutions which proceed to take votes, make policy or make statements that really denigrate the military," said Sen. David Vitter, R-Louisiana, a co-sponsor of the bill.

shq to phx

The Miami Heat have traded Shaquille O'Neal to the Phoenix Suns for Shaun Marion and Marcus Banks. As always, the commentary on this is endless so I will avoid adding to it. Of course, no one knows for sure how well this trade will work out, but I am leaning towards Scoop Jackson's side.

Super Tuesday

Enough about the presidential primaries, yesterday was all about the NBA. Pau Gasol made an impressive debut in his new Laker uniform, dropping 24 and 12 in New Jersey. Random thoughts on the suddenly relevant Lakers:

• This is a championship contending team. Enough said. Every now and then Stu Lantz will actually say something I do not already know, and last night he pointed out how the Lakers had four starters scoring in double figures in their 15 point win, and Kobe Bryant was not even one of them.

• Pau showed off his post skills very well, but more impressively showed his passing skills. He connected with Radmanovic, Kobe, and Walton several times, amazing considering it was only their first game together.

• Of course, getting Andrew Bynum back will only make the Lakers more dangerous. The twin towers are going to be a force inside, but look for Gasol to play more high post and Bynum more low post. I also think Phil should start and finish the games with them together, but not so much thoughout the game. That is, rest one seven footer while always keeping the other one in the game.

• On offense, having the twin towers drawing so much attention is going to open up so many opportunities for the perimeter players: Kobe of course, but more specifically shooters and slashers Jordan Farmar, Vladimir Radmanovic, Derek Fisher, Trevor Ariza, Luke Walton and company.

• On defense, having the twin towers is going to limit what opposing offenses can do. We have already seen how effective Bynum was alone; imagine having two seven footers anchoring the basket. Gone are the days of the Tony Parkers, Steve Nashs, Chris Pauls, Deron Williams, penetrating to the hoop for easy baskets. They may still drive in the paint, but will have to deal with two towers contesting their shots.

• The biggest winner in the trade: Lamar Odom. LO gets to play more of the small forward position when the twin towers are in together, which is a matchup nightmare for many opposing teams. He is relieved of the pressure of being the Lakers second best player. With the emergence of Bynum and acquisition of Gasol, he becomes the Lakers fourth option. Lamar Odom was consistently given space last night, and took advantage attacking the rim and getting to the line 13 times. He had 14, 15, and 5 only on four field goal attempts. That is efficiency folks.

• Is Kobe a genius or an idiot?
• He may be a genius, because after all the trade demand hoopla and parking lot video nonsense, at the end of the day, he got what he wanted: the acquisition of an all-star. Kobe now has Gasol and Bynum thanks to Kupchak and Buss. Management listened to his whining and delivered. Now it is on him to win a playoff series.
• He may be an idiot. Remember, Kobe wanted Bynum to be traded. Then he wanted to be traded away. Then Bynum emerged as a 20/10 stud and Kobe is on one of the league's top teams, on a roster he wanted no part of just a few short months ago.

• Pau needs a haircut and a shave. That caveman look may get by in Tennessee, but this is Hollywood, baby. Just ask Radmanovic and Vujacic.

XLII

Best Super Bowl Ever.

The once undefeated New England Patriots were stunned by the New York Giants in a thrilling game that was only decided in the final minute of a crazy fourth quarter that featured three lead changes, erasing any doubt to the fact that cheaters never prosper.

The commentary and analysis on this game and its fallout are endless, so I will avoid repeating the same stuff you can get elsewhere and just try to point out a few quirky things:

• Cheaters never prosper. The Patriots cheating and still losing is like if you cheat on your huge midterm exam, ace it, but then fail the final exam at the end of the term and consequently fail the class. The Patriots cheated, aced the regular season, but then ultimately failed their final exam, in the Super Bowl.


• Peyton Manning was shown quite a few times during FOX's telecast, sitting alone in the corner of a suite. Where was the rest of the Manning family?


• The curse of the hot girlfriend. Jessica Simpson shows up, Tony Romo plays poorly and loses. Giselle shows up, Tom Brady plays poorly and loses.


• A buddy of mine brilliantly compared these 2006 Patriots choking to the 2004 Lakers. Those Lakers also were crowned in the offseason after signing Gary Payton and Karl Malone, and also stormed through the regular season and playoffs. After they defeated the Spurs thanks to Derek Fisher's infamous 0.4 shot, everyone thought it was a given that they would win the Finals. Instead, the Detroit Pistons stunned the Lakers, who with four future hall of famers players had to be one of the most disappointing NBA teams of all time.


• I do not understand how Randy Moss can score 23 touchdowns during the regular season, and only ONE during the entire playoffs. Moss was burning double and triple coverage all year long, so whatever head coach Tom Coughlin and defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo came up with worked brilliantly, and they will be rewarded.


• This game further proves that the regular season practically means nothing, and that sports is all about confidence and momentum. Whoever gots hot and rolling when it counts ends up being champions.

More Patriot Cheating

An unnamed source has claimed a New England Patriots employee secretly videotaped the St. Louis Rams' pregame walk-through the day before Super Bowl XXXVI, the Boston Herald reported Saturday.

The next day, the Patriots upset the favored Rams 20-17 for their first Super Bowl championship. New England will play the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII on Sunday in a bid to become the first NFL team to finish a season 19-0.

Spygate Tapes

In amidst of all the Super Bowl hype this weekend, have you noticed it seems that everyone has forgotten that the almighty Patriots were caught cheating this season?

The tapes turned into the NFL were mysteriously destroyed, and while there was plenty of controversy at the time, watching ESPN and reading sports columns all day I rarely hear or see any mentions about the fact that the Patriots cheated. When Spygate is mentioned, it is simply done so to emphasize how Bill Bilichick and the Patriots used it as motivation.

As the Patriots solidify their status as the best team in the history of football on Super Sunday, Congress is stepping in to challenge the NFL's destruction of the tapes that proved the Patriots were cheaters. Because the tapes were destroyed, we do not know how much those tapes helped the Patriots gain an advantage over their opposition. That is, we do not know the extent of the cheating. But we do know that the NFL did not want anyone to know. Hmm.

Now, I am glad to see someone remember Spygate and challenge it. But Congress? I thought we have a war going on, the threat of terrorism, chaos in the Middle East, an economy in recession, a devaluing dollar, a rapidly growing trade deficit, severe lack of healthcare and social security, housing and energy crises, and a tight presidential race that could be decided by something shady again. Kudos to Congress for finding the time to challenge some long gone football tapes.

Pumped up by a Piano

Sonics top Spurs

Yes, that headline is correct. It is no mistake. The Seattle Sonics snapped their 14 game losing streak against the defending champions, the San Antonio Spurs. I felt the way the Sonics celebrated only their 10th win of the season was as if they had just won a championship. I know this because rookie phenom Kevin Durant said, "It felt like we won a championship." Jokes aside, although the Spurs were without Tony Parker, rumor had it that their head coach Greg Popovich may have simply felt bad for his former assistant and current Sonics head coach P.J. Carlisemo and threw his buddy a badly needed win.

More importantly though, what does this say about the San Antonio Spurs? The champs are in cruise control, bouncing about in the bottom half of the western conference standings, and in third place in their own division. While the Spurs may just simply flip the switch and turn it on come playoff time, they definitely need to have their big three completely healthy to compete in the wildly competitive West.

Nail Brady

You know you want to.

The Smarter Sex

Newsweek has a very interesting read on a series of studies of IQ tests between males and females. Nothing overwhelming or groundbreaking is said here, but it does confirm my belief that the dumbest and smartest people on both end of the spectrum are men. The article goes on to say that women underestimate themselves while men have large egos. But you already knew that.

Mo Manning, Mo Money

Check out this article that made the front page of CNN Money.

According to Sports Illustrated, Peyton Manning pulled down a cool $11 million from sponsors thanks to his Super Bowl appearance last year. This article says that little brother Eli Manning has an opportunity to top that in the behemoth that is New York City, even though he is unlikely to win the game.

With the large markets of New England and New York competing in the big game, a 30-second commercial on FOX on Super Sunday is going for an average rate of $2.7 million, or $90,000 per second.

Remember the Seahawks

From ESPN's Hashmarks by Matt Mosley:

The Patriots have made it to town, but the Giants decided to spend an extra day in New York. They'll be arriving this afternoon. In case you haven't heard, Giants coach Tom Coughlin made a big production the other day about how no one remembers who loses the Super Bowl.

"Who lost the Super Bowl two years ago?" he asked his players.

It apparently took them a few minutes to come up with the Seahawks. His point is obvious: Let's not be satisfied with qualifying for the Super Bowl.

Coughlin's feeling a lot better since regaining most of the feeling in his face following the NFC Championshp Game. And yes, doctors were able to save his nose.

where amazing happens.

So I woke up today with absolutely nothing to do. This is a very awkward Sunday, the first Sunday without football in six months. Of course, the geniuses of the NBA decided to unleash a great doubleheader on this weekend in between Championship Sunday and the Super Bowl next week.

So I watched as the Boston Celtics visited the Orlando Magic in a matchup of two division leaders in the Eastern conference, as Rajon Rondo impressed me with his annoyingly good defense and quick plays, Dwight Howard dominated the paint, Rashard Lewis and Brian Cook (!) lead the Magic on a third quarter run, Ray Allen breaks out of his cold slump in time to hit three huge three-pointers late in the fourth quarter to lead a comeback, and Hedo Turkolu chucks up a prayer at the buzzer to break the tie and win the game.

I watched as the Cleveland Lebr-er, Cavaliers visited the Los Angeles Kob-er, Lakers. How great is the NBA's marketing in that they pit the top two basketball players in the world against each other on a perfect day to do so? Again, we saw another wild back and forth matchup that came down to the final possession.

The NBA is uncharateristically wide open, with Boston, Detroit, Orlando, and Cleveland each having realistic chances to represent the East, while the West is even more wide open with the top ten teams within seven games of each other. With the NFL practically in offseason mode already with one game to play, the NBA is about to hit their peak with the all-star game and the playoff race. Throw in a couple great games, and today I remember why I love this game.